At the Centre for Separated Families we are concerned about the language that we use when we discuss separated parenting arrangements with families.
We have replaced the terms ‘lone parent’ or ‘parent with care’ and use instead ‘parent with majority care’. We no longer use terms such as ‘non resident parent’ or the even more derogatory ‘absent’ parent, which is still being used widely, even in government.
We do not talk about residence and contact, instead we discuss with parents how they manage their parenting time with their children. We consider these moves to be small steps towards reframing the way that parents themselves consider their relationships with children after family separation.
But reframing the way that policy makers think about separated families is going to be hard in the long run because of the deeply embedded assumptions inherent in our society.
The image of the lone or single mother, struggling to cope alone, impoverished and abandoned but determined to survive is enduring in our society.
The companion to this image is that of feckless father, happy in his new life, determined not to pay his child support.
This is not to say that these scenario’s do not exist, they do and we work with parents in these circumstances every day.
But not all fathers skip off to a new life and not all mothers are left to cope alone. Separated parenting is a complex arena and families organise their post separation lives in many different ways, some muddling along and getting it largely right, some struggling with intense conflict. Stereotyped images of separated mothers and fathers and the resulting language that is used get in the way of getting the support that families need right, because they lead us to assume that there is only one right way to deliver support.
Is it time to move on from outdated stereotyped labels and does a change of language herald a change of attitude in society or is it the other way around?
We know that if we talk about parenting time with mums and dads, they are immediately refocused on their parenting role within their children’s lives instead of their parenting status and the power or lack of it that is denoted by that.
So, changing our language? Important, or just a red herring in the complexities of the post separation world?
Without doubt the old stereotypes are infuriating and patronising too.
Becoming a ‘lone parent’ in my experience does NOT mean going it alone. It is in fact truly shared care of our children with my ex partner, their dad. He does a mostly excellent job parenting his boys – supported by a new partner, and I get to have good home life balance. Home ‘mum duty’ time in the week and plenty of time for myself as the children go to play at Dads.
Of course, financially, it is a struggle – but we do survive and we survive well in my opinion. I have been a professional woman working in the equalities field for years and can truly say I do not feel like the stereotype so often portrayed. Rather, the stereotypical view of me as a lone parent is entirely unfounded. I prefer to live with my independence and my balance of work, study and family, plus friends.
Keep up the good work on this project as it is an ideal opportunity for me as a parent and a professional in this field to contributre to policy development and ensure it really is in line with my experience and the experience of other parents I meet.
Paula
Grandparents i am told are important in a child’s life by just about every government department but nobody actually promotes the role they can play, in the protection and early intervetion side of the relationship. Every proven persons should be used in the protection of children and it is not in the best interests of children that grandparents should be aclaimed as important but have no real say in this very important matter.
We also have been actively promoting the use of alternative language forms which are inclusive and less divisive than those currently in common and legal useage. Whilst we appreciate that ‘contact’ is far better than the older term of ‘access’ it still denotes a second class status to one or other parent. The quantum of parenting time given by each parent, be it mum or dad, is less important than a sense of security for the children: for them to know that they have both a mum and a dad who are actively available and involved in all parts of their living learning and playing.
Part of the challenge is for those of us who straddle the proffessional and personal divide: we need to be consistent in presenting the alternative descriptors and refuse to accept the stereotypes that do no good for the families we are or the people we work with. In Partaicular, those of us who spend some of our time engaging with families and some of it with the practitioners employed or volunteering to provide support and serviced to families, need to present a determined and unified resolve that we want to see changes to current legal, societal and cultural practices.
As Nick went to great lengths to stress last week, this is not about one organisation of service building something, which would probably end up as a monolith as damagingly entrenched as the ones we variously feel need deconstructing, but about different groups of people working together and presenting with one voice.
The message needs to be that the needs of children, when families separate or divorce, are not truly paramount at present. One of the greatest needs of children is to be loved by both their parents and to know they are loved, cared for, nurtured and protected in equal measure.
‘Both Parents Matter’ is a ‘Families Need Fathers’ project title.
It’s good to see that language is starting to be considered as being important (GT 24.11.08 12:48). When we began to change our language back in 2000, there was a huge amount of scepticism. Sadly, most organisations still refer to ‘lone parents’ and ’single parents’; ‘PWC’ and ‘NRP’…
However, a change in language is not enough in itself. It can only be a small part of an overall change that begins to unpick the different experiences of mothers and fathers and the ways in which we, as practitioners, respond to them. Nick Woodall
The stereotypes you describe are, as you say, deeply embedded in our society. But the purpose of discussion is not simply to find fault but to find practical alternatives. I feel the expression ‘majority carer’ implies a ‘minority carer’ with the assumption that one parent is better than the other and has a greater stake in the upbringing of their child or children and this would undermine an important underlying need for the change. Language is significant but the proposed change is not an improvement.
Published by the Centre for Separated Families, this is the online discussion forum for Putting Children First: best practice in support to separated families
At the Centre for Separated Families we are concerned about the language that we use when we discuss separated parenting arrangements with families.
We have replaced the terms ‘lone parent’ or ‘parent with care’ and use instead ‘parent with majority care’. We no longer use terms such as ‘non resident parent’ or the even more derogatory ‘absent’ parent, which is still being used widely, even in government.
We do not talk about residence and contact, instead we discuss with parents how they manage their parenting time with their children. We consider these moves to be small steps towards reframing the way that parents themselves consider their relationships with children after family separation.
But reframing the way that policy makers think about separated families is going to be hard in the long run because of the deeply embedded assumptions inherent in our society.
The image of the lone or single mother, struggling to cope alone, impoverished and abandoned but determined to survive is enduring in our society.
The companion to this image is that of feckless father, happy in his new life, determined not to pay his child support.
This is not to say that these scenario’s do not exist, they do and we work with parents in these circumstances every day.
But not all fathers skip off to a new life and not all mothers are left to cope alone. Separated parenting is a complex arena and families organise their post separation lives in many different ways, some muddling along and getting it largely right, some struggling with intense conflict. Stereotyped images of separated mothers and fathers and the resulting language that is used get in the way of getting the support that families need right, because they lead us to assume that there is only one right way to deliver support.
Is it time to move on from outdated stereotyped labels and does a change of language herald a change of attitude in society or is it the other way around?
We know that if we talk about parenting time with mums and dads, they are immediately refocused on their parenting role within their children’s lives instead of their parenting status and the power or lack of it that is denoted by that.
So, changing our language? Important, or just a red herring in the complexities of the post separation world?
Without doubt the old stereotypes are infuriating and patronising too.
Becoming a ‘lone parent’ in my experience does NOT mean going it alone. It is in fact truly shared care of our children with my ex partner, their dad. He does a mostly excellent job parenting his boys – supported by a new partner, and I get to have good home life balance. Home ‘mum duty’ time in the week and plenty of time for myself as the children go to play at Dads.
Of course, financially, it is a struggle – but we do survive and we survive well in my opinion. I have been a professional woman working in the equalities field for years and can truly say I do not feel like the stereotype so often portrayed. Rather, the stereotypical view of me as a lone parent is entirely unfounded. I prefer to live with my independence and my balance of work, study and family, plus friends.
Keep up the good work on this project as it is an ideal opportunity for me as a parent and a professional in this field to contributre to policy development and ensure it really is in line with my experience and the experience of other parents I meet.
Paula
Grandparents i am told are important in a child’s life by just about every government department but nobody actually promotes the role they can play, in the protection and early intervetion side of the relationship. Every proven persons should be used in the protection of children and it is not in the best interests of children that grandparents should be aclaimed as important but have no real say in this very important matter.
We also have been actively promoting the use of alternative language forms which are inclusive and less divisive than those currently in common and legal useage. Whilst we appreciate that ‘contact’ is far better than the older term of ‘access’ it still denotes a second class status to one or other parent. The quantum of parenting time given by each parent, be it mum or dad, is less important than a sense of security for the children: for them to know that they have both a mum and a dad who are actively available and involved in all parts of their living learning and playing.
Part of the challenge is for those of us who straddle the proffessional and personal divide: we need to be consistent in presenting the alternative descriptors and refuse to accept the stereotypes that do no good for the families we are or the people we work with. In Partaicular, those of us who spend some of our time engaging with families and some of it with the practitioners employed or volunteering to provide support and serviced to families, need to present a determined and unified resolve that we want to see changes to current legal, societal and cultural practices.
As Nick went to great lengths to stress last week, this is not about one organisation of service building something, which would probably end up as a monolith as damagingly entrenched as the ones we variously feel need deconstructing, but about different groups of people working together and presenting with one voice.
The message needs to be that the needs of children, when families separate or divorce, are not truly paramount at present. One of the greatest needs of children is to be loved by both their parents and to know they are loved, cared for, nurtured and protected in equal measure.
‘Both Parents Matter’ is a ‘Families Need Fathers’ project title.
It’s good to see that language is starting to be considered as being important (GT 24.11.08 12:48). When we began to change our language back in 2000, there was a huge amount of scepticism. Sadly, most organisations still refer to ‘lone parents’ and ’single parents’; ‘PWC’ and ‘NRP’…
However, a change in language is not enough in itself. It can only be a small part of an overall change that begins to unpick the different experiences of mothers and fathers and the ways in which we, as practitioners, respond to them.
Nick Woodall
The stereotypes you describe are, as you say, deeply embedded in our society. But the purpose of discussion is not simply to find fault but to find practical alternatives. I feel the expression ‘majority carer’ implies a ‘minority carer’ with the assumption that one parent is better than the other and has a greater stake in the upbringing of their child or children and this would undermine an important underlying need for the change. Language is significant but the proposed change is not an improvement.