recommendation 4
more research into the pressures that lead to family separation
Too little is known about the pressures that lead to family separation. Research is needed to look at what support might help parents resolve difficulties before they reach the point of separation as well as what works to support co-operation afterwards…
We talked a lot about the risk of appearing ‘pro marriage’ if we went forward with this recommendation. I wanted to clarify the intention behind it from the Centre for Separated Families perspective.
A great deal is said about the negative impact of divorce and separation on children being linked to conflict between parents.
Our work with separated families suggest that far from conflict being the only negative impact, the psychological pressures on children, in terms of the requirement placed upon them to adjust to new ways of living are enormous. Further, the different ways that parenting arrangements are made between parents can add to that psychological pressure. Children who move between homes regularly face the psychological challenge of managing transition on a regular basis. Children who live mostly with one parent and spend time with their other parent face the requirement to adjust to a new way of relating to that parent. Children who no longer see one of their parents can experience a whole range of difficult and complex emotions.
There has been a tendency over the past three decades to ‘normalise’ family separation in terms of how it affects children. The expectation is that in the absence of conflict between parents, children will adapt and move on easily and quickly.
But the evidence, in terms of intergenerational family breakdown, our high rates of teenage pregnancy and the ongoing high rates of divorce in the UK would suggest that far from being able to simply get over the experience of family separation, children are struggling over the long term.
The results of our survey ‘Happiness Hopes and Wellbeing; children’s views, showed that 96% of the thousand children who responded felt that they would:
‘prefer their parents to stay together even if they were not getting along’
If we are to seriously consider the wellbeing of children living in separated families, it would seem imperative to understand how the adult decision to separate affects them over the longer term. It would also seem imperative to more fully understand what leads to the adult decision to separate and what factors, such as lack of easily accessible support, information and advice about relationships contribute to that decision.
By more fully understanding these realities for separated parents and their children, we could begin to rebuild services in ways that are framed around
a) easing the psychological pressures on children when adults decide to separate – education for parents about how to help children cope with change, loss and transition for example.
b) Provide families in the UK with a more robust relationship support system that can be embedded within schools as well as crisis support services.
If we accept that children benefit from living in a family, however that family is constructed, then we must also accept that significant change within that family will put pressure on children, taking them away from learning and growing and pushing them into healing and repairing instead.
Helping parents to work together to ameliorate that psychological pressure seems essential if we are to interrupt intergenerational family separation (and by family we mean families in all of their different forms).
Helping parents to work together after separation is made easier when we are more clearly informed about what leads to family separation in the first place.
One approach will definitely not fit all, but understanding themes, trends and external as well as internal pressures on parents will enable us to build support structures that are relevant and adaptable to different family circumstances.
Perhaps we should reword the recommendation – here is a suggestion, comments welcome…
Too little is known about the pressures that family separation places upon children and whether parents and existing support services are equipped to help children deal with these effectively. Longitudinal Research is needed into the experience of family separation for parents and their children to determine whether existing and new services should be reconfigured to move beyond conflict resolution towards co-operation between parents and the ability of each to support children through change.
I agree with this recommendation too.
Parenting is tough at the best of times, and post separation shared co-parenting is probably the toughest form. Too often it is easier or less painful to model the post separation family with a lone parent and if lucky a visiting contact parent. With separated parents avoiding involvement with each other. Such parenting models are often counter to the welfare needs of the child to be raised by both parents.
Separating couples often don’t realise the ramifications of their actions, nor do they realise how tough it will be to co-parent after separation. There needs to be early education and awareness services, to help enlighten parents who may be marginal and avoid the separation all together. If a couple are destined to split, it would be helpful to have promoted cooperative shared parenting models post separation. Promoting the rights and responsibilities of parents and their children is key to this process.
Children deserve their parents to have all the knowledge and support to be able and empowered to continue parenting them whether together of separated.
This suggestion is naive. Children suffer as a result of losing contact with either parent, post separation. This research is well established. Policy and procedures should be implemented that change the adversarial approach sometimes adopted to parenting to one which clearly recognises the benefits of ’shared parenting’ as the norm in our society. Instead of spending money on looking at the different reasons parents separate the Government should implement a high profile advertising campaign promoting the benefits to children of contact with both parents post separation. These images should counter act the media impression that only mothers can care for young children by emphasising the role of fathers. By pursuing a campaign on television and billboards it is to be hoped that there will be a general change in the public’s attitudes, so that stereotypical images of ‘lone mothers’ and ‘feckless fathers’ will become a thing of the past.
I agree completely with Kingsley’s comments…indeed prior to separation/divorce children have ’shared parenting’.
[edited by Moderator]
Responding to the suggestion that a high profile campaign to promote the benefits of contact between children and both of their parents will bring about positive change for children.
The reason why we feel that more research is needed into the adult decision to separate and the impact that this has upon children is that it is at this critical point that the seeds of conflict between parents are sown. When a couple decides to separate they will already be facing some tough psychological and emotional pressures. At this point, the ways in which each seek support from the outside world has an impact upon them. Currently in the UK, the cultural expectation is that separated mothers will care for their children and fathers will provide. This expectation is reinforced through policy and practice. In other EU countries, this is not the case and the cultural expectation is framed around each parent being able to care and provide. Consequently, there are more stable shared care arrangements, children’s needs are placed at the heart of an ongoing parenting responsibility. It seems so simple and straightforward, but achieving this in the UK is impossible in the current climate where policy and practice divide parents into carer or provider.
We want to see longitudinal research put in place that examines a different way of working with separated families, one that is closer to the EU countries where shared parenting is considered to be the norm. We want to add into that research and understanding of the benefits to children to having parents that co-operate on a long term basis. We want to more fully understand what goes wrong in the UK, what other approaches could bring better outcomes and how policy and practice must change in the UK in order to bring about better outcomes for children.
We believe that until we are able to do this, positive messages about contact with parents will simply be ignored. Too many of the parents we work with already know that their relationship with their children is crucial. Too many are stuck in conflict caused by our divisive policy and practice around separated families to be able to enjoy that ongoing relationship.
We have been campaigning for holistic policy and practice for ten years in the UK. This has met with fierce resistance from many organisations representing either one parent or the other. Strangely enough, the one group that welcomes our work are separated parents themselves, many of whom desperately want to make shared care arrangements work for their children.
In May 2009 we will meet with European colleagues to learn more about their approach to supporting separated families. We will seek to learn more about social policy in action and how different countries support separated families to work together. From there we will publish a report to put to all of the political parties along with a proposal to implement a longitudinal study of holistic interventions in practice. Our aim is to bring about radical change in the way that separated families are supported so that it does become the cultural norm to co-operate and share care. We consider that this is the way that we can bring about better outcomes for children affected by family separation.
Our experience shows us that parents don’t need to be told that children need both of them after separation, they already know that, they just cannot overcome the institutionalised barriers to make those arrangements work.